If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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