If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize