Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize