Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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