Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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