im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
