I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
being pregnant is like rehab
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
