You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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