We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
