My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
