my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
