What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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