I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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