You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
time to smoke my breakfast
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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