Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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