It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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