3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
