Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
