It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
