So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There r osticjed everywhere
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
