I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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