Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
