you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
