Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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