i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
