I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
