Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
