foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
