Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
