dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize