I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize