My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
In other news, I just burned my penis
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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