I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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