I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
