I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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