Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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