its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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