The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize