She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
