i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
