OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
