I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
