Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
