shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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