I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
