the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize