Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
