I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
