I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
