moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
