erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
