Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
