I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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