So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
