i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
