I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
